The worst thing about moving back to L.A. from N.Y.C is running into old nemeses at the Coffee Bean. I was anonymous in New York, and now today I’m standing three people behind Lorna McSlutchen, whose boobs are so big she’s taking up more than her allotted room in this crowded coffee shop.  At first she doesn’t recognize me, I’m disguised by my Sarah Palin black glasses and faux-snakeskin Uggs that take up half my little legs, but then she catches my eye and hollers out a phony “Hey there! I know YOU…” and I’m instantly transported back to the day she asked me to lunch on the studio lot just to tell me she was dating my two-night stand.  Her hair is darker, but I would know those humungous boobs anywhere, and she wants to know where I’m working, and where I went for a few years, and it takes her 3.5 seconds to bring up the guy who looks like an Alien who she thinks she stole from me.  They aren’t dating anymore, apparently they dated for two years but he dumped her after she made the trek to Alaska to meet his family.  I never met his family, I barely met him, I slept with him twice and he met Lorna at a party we went to and I never heard from him again.  Her voice is too loud for this early morning coffee run and its giving me a headache.  I express fake concern over her breakup and drop the Famous Actress’ name in her lap where it lands with a thump – “So that’s what I’ve been doing… just kind of hanging with her…”  It’s half true and I think it conveys to her that I have not, contrary to her belief, spent the last two years pining over her short Alien-looking boyfriend who I slept with twice.  I have become far too cool for that.

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(IMAGE BY Tashina Suzuki)

Tomorrow read the full-on… D-Girl Diary.

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