I have been thinking of names for my unborn child since I was five years old. My tastes have evolved since then, so it’s no longer Olive or Pickle: I have become more of a fan of names that won’t get my child beat up after school, because if that sort of thing is hereditary, the kid already has the deck stacked against him. For years I daydreamed about having a brooding, big-nosed, green eyed kid with my ex-boyfriend, the guy I dated for sixteen years, but I lost many hard-fought battles over the subject, and ended up in Planned Parenthood more than once. They should have a frequent customer card there, some sort of points/reward system for girls with no backbone. The last time I was in Planned Parenthood I went with the East Coast Sarah, and she was pregnant too: we had co-abortions, which were kind of like a couples massage but without the soothing feeling, soft music and pleasing aroma. I hadn’t planned on having that abortion, in fact I had told my family and my Boss that I was having a kid, with my boyfriend of 8 years, and that we were very happy about it. But in truth my boyfriend wasn’t ready for a child and in the end I couldn’t saddle him with any more problems than I already had. Dating me was hard enough. They screwed it up though, the nice folks at Planned Parenthood, and I had flown home to Ohio for a Black Tie Dinner in honor of my Dad, and was sitting at a fancy table with most of my brothers and sisters, all dressed up, when I realized something was wrong. The whole thing was a nightmare, and today as I sit at my desk staring at the pregnancy test I just bought at the pharmacy, I am hoping I never have to go through anything like that again.

There should be a group you can join on Facebook that counsels you about how to break the news to a guy you have only been dating a few months, someone who has adamantly declared he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, that you might be pregnant. The group could give you helpful hints, like how to open the conversation, and how to protect the breakable items in your apartment from being thrown against a wall. Mostly I would like to know how to keep him around afterwards, because I am about to lose my job and I hate change, so I don’t think I could take losing my non-boyfriend too.

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D-GIRL was a development girl in Hollywood and New York City for many years. While finding projects for actors, directors and producers to make into movies, she amassed a number of salacious tales of questionable morality that became an internet column entitled “D-Girl Diary.” She left show business to become a full-time writer in 2001.

(d girls image artist Tashina Suzuki)

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