So I will admit it now, get this out of the way before the protestations grow.  I had never actually lost someone.  I mean Lost Someone, for good.  I had an Aunt die when I was in high school, and all my grandparents are no longer alive, but we are a very spread out family.  I feel silly now as I look back over my life and realize how desperately I held onto so many people, afraid of losing them – afraid they might not go to parties with me anymore, or return my phone calls – for I had no idea what loss really meant: I spent my life upset because of things like a best friend of a few years deciding not to be my friend anymore, crying over hurt feelings or crying over a lost job or an unrequited crush.  Not a tear in my life was shed for any good reason, I have decided, because I had really never lost someone: until now.

Life after my Dead Ex-Boyfriend has been a series of awakenings.  Immediately after it happened, I tried to lose myself in the News of it All.  As long as there were people to tell and arrangements to be made, I didn’t have too much time to sit around and think about what had occurred.  I sent a bunch of emails I now regret, to the East Coast and West Coast Sarah’s, specifically, and did not hear back from either ex-friend.  At the time I was just hurting, and wanting to connect with someone who knew how much my ex had meant to me, but now that I never heard back from either of them, or Fifi the celebrity chef, not even a “sorry for your loss” email from the Angry Indian who had been my friend for years, and not a word from my little sister, who knew my ex well: through all this, I can see that something good has happened to me.  I have finally learned to hate people.  Its freedom, this hatred, I should have discovered this a long time ago.  The freeing feeling of never caring about a person again is something I have never experienced – quite the opposite, I so clearly cared too much, about all these people who never cared about me, and my ex who is now dead.  So this has been a month of firsts for me.  My first Dead Ex-Boyfriend, and the first time in my life I have ever hated anyone.

D-GIRL was a development girl in Hollywood and New York City for many years. While finding projects for actors, directors and producers to make into movies, she amassed a number of salacious tales of questionable morality that became an internet column entitled “D-Girl Diary.”

(Please read last week’s D Girl Diary.)

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